You know how every Instagram model will post a story about them ordering an entire pizza and feeling so fat after eating it, but we all know they took two bites and threw the rest out? Yeah, I’m the opposite. I’m so ashamed by the amount of food I can eat that I keep that shit to myself. Nothing goes to waste and no bite misses the gullet. Throwing away food is sacrilegious when you kneel at the altar of obesity.
I’ve been eating healthy lately. I let myself go last year and since December have tightened it up diet wise and hit the gym 5 days a week. But that doesn’t mean I don’t treat myself from time-to-time. Think White Goodman but instead of electrocuting myself I torture myself by enduring the stomach pain that comes after inhaling massive quantities of food.
So tonight I decided I would have something other than a piece of chicken and broccoli. I went through the laundry list of usual suspects in my head- pizza, chinese, sushi (not bad for you but I eat a minimum of 30 pieces which defeats the whole healthy purpose), and, finally, Chipotle.
When I get a burrito it isn’t some rinky dink “pretty” burrito. I load that fucker up. The standard order is a steak burrito with brown rice, pinto beans, corn salsa, queso, cheese, sour cream, guacamole, and lettuce. This isn’t child’s play here; we’re eating at the big league level.
Anyways when the poor high schooler went to wrap it the thing just fell apart, like it does every time. He apologized profusely and said he would make the whole burrito over again to which I said no, the exact same thing is going to happen. It’s not a you problem kid, it’s a me thing.
Every time I order a burrito the thing falls apart and ruins these poor wrappers self-esteem. Nobody likes to fail at their job and these people fail worse than the German advancement into Russia. And they must hate me for that. Everyone else that comes through their line gets nice, tidy, light burritos then I come barreling in like Andy Reid:
and make them put the entire fucking store in my burrito.
If you work at a Moe’s or Chipotle in the greater Boston area I apologize. Because I will eventually end up in your store, demanding every ingredient in my burrito, and seeing the look on your face when the wrap splits in two and you sheepishly ask me if I want it rewrapped. I’m all set, guys, just don’t mention the fatty that ate a 5 pound burrito to your friends please.
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