God damn I hope to be that rich one day. I remember when these first came out. I was with my friend at his house in Maine and as an impressionable 13 year old I believed anything anyone older told me. We went to a Wendy’s and this now common machine was fairly new and my friends older brother told me this was the first machine like this in the United States. I spent the next ten minutes texting everyone in my family (didn’t have many friends back then… or now…) about this crazy new machine that let you mix different sodas.
Before this machine I had figured out that mixing Diet Pepsi and Root Beer made Cream Soda. At least I thought it did. My fat ass would always ask my mom to buy a 12 pack of each and like the angel she was would always buy them. Was she an angel though? I was so fat and she clearly didn’t care. Would always say I was “big boned.” No, mom, I’m 10 years old and can’t see my toes stop buying me 2 dozen sodas!
Now, with the invention of this beautiful machine, I didn’t need 24 cans of diabetes to make my creation, just one of them. And they quickly became commonplace in all my favorite restaurants: Wendys, 5 Guys, and Burger King.
But here we have Chrissy, in the year 2019, acting like these bad boys are exclusive to airports and are the hot new thing everyone is going to be talking about. I mean credit to her for literally never going into a fast food place. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t eat it- everyone does. She’s just so rich she pays someone to go get it for her, hence never ever seeing one of these soda machines.
I can’t wait until she finds out about Snapchat. Or Vine (RIP). Or Uber. She’s had a private driver for 10 years now so the concept of getting into a car other than her G-Wagon is a foreign concept to her but when her driver has to call out sick and tells her his friend drives for Uber she’s going to look it up and let everyone know about this new taxi service that comes to you. Can’t wait!
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