Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced recently that he was tinkering with the idea of running for president in 2020, and I have some advice for him to get into office.
First thing first, get rid of the complicated names for drinks at Starbucks. Everyone that goes to Starbucks already will support this guy, but what he needs is to get people like me to vote for him. How do you do that? Get us into Starbucks. How do you do that? Dumb things down. You think someone in Idaho who works 50 hours a week as a construction worker wants to walk into your store and be shamed for not knowing the difference between a tall and venti? I am shamed by the snarky, ponytail having, fake glasses wearing regulars when I walk in and ask for a large. The disdain the barista says, “It’s actually called a venti” is palpable. Well fuck you bitch! Don’t make a small a tall and use fancy words for large. Get back to small, medium, and large and more folks will walk in and order your coffee and realize how delicious it is and vote for you.
Second, get rid of the holier than thou aurora that surrounds your coffee shop. When you boil it down, Starbucks is a damn coffee shop. Same as Dunkin’ and every other regional coffee place. Newsflash, you’re not that much better than any other place. People have been brainwashed by you. If you don’t go there your a poor. Every other place pales in comparison to you. Nah. It’s coffee. Unless you’re going down to Colombia and Venezuela every morning to get your morning coffee you’re drinking the same thing from every other place.
Those are just two thoughts I have. Is it even a remote possibility this guy runs and contends? Probably not. But a reality TV Star with multiple failed businesses is our President so, literally, anything is possible.
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